December 03, 2005

Letter to the automotive industry

Dear engineers,

I'm writing today on behalf of the lazy people of the world whom drive your cars. Well, honestly, I'm writing on behalf of myself. See, I have this issue with car horns. Why do they sound so crappy. Horns serve varying purposes, and thus, I feel they should have different sounds available. This could be accomplished through multiple choice buttons to push.

Button 1 - This should be a nice pleasant chirp of some kind. Loud enough to get attention, but not an angry sound. For use when the idiot in front of you forgets to look up at the light and go when it turns green. Hey, buddy, let's go here... I got places to go and people to do...

Button 2 - Less pleasant than 1. A little longer and perhaps a little annoying. For use when you are the 3rd car in line and both the idiots in front of you aren't paying attention. Hey, dumbasses... it's the long pedal on the right.

Button 3 - For the guy who drifts into your lane. A nice long rude sound. Like the Effer just got slapped by his mama. Hey, jackass, wake up and pick a lane. Preferably, not the one I'm in.

Button 4 - For the guy who cuts you off in traffic. Augmentation of the visual sign you are sending. A long, loud rude sound. Something that makes him feel like someone just smeared feces on him and then laughed at him.

Button 5 - Especially for those who fail to yield or are creeping up the freeway entrance ramp at 35 MPH below traffic speed. This horn will play in conjunction with visual signals (often with both hands) and verbal accusations that his parents were never married and that he may have had sexual relations with the woman he calls mother.

Or course you may choose to leave the main horn button as is in every vehicle for those moments that none of the previous buttons addresses so that drivers may improvise like a jazz musician.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter. I look forward to your newest models and the increased communication these horns will introduce among our drivers.

Warmest regards,

Mad Munkey


At 1:28 PM, Blogger ME said...

MM you forgot the driver that gets on my nerves. The one who pulls out and has plenty of room until they go 10 miles an hour. The horn needs to say move your a&&.

At 2:18 PM, Blogger Jozee said...

I've managed to squeak some pretty good notes out of my Crv's horn.
Perhaps you should look into a Honda.
I do embarass my kids with my driving monologues tho.

I just talk to myself. Never know which driver's gonna be packin' heat.

At 2:51 PM, Blogger kermit said...

No no no.
It will only start the wave of replacing car horns with songs. If we've learned anything from the cell phone ringtone invention, is that people shouldn't have the freedom to musically accost anyone. It's an affrontery to my auditory apparatus! Nay, I say.

At 5:35 PM, Blogger buddha_girl said...

I'm kinda partial to the ONE fucking horn sound on my car. I blew that foghorn and wouldn't let up for at least five complete seconds today (that's a long time in horn seconds, people) when some idiot almost side-swiped me because he was in a rush. Then he had the audacity to BEEP back. His car had a sissy fucking beep. Dumbass.

I vote for cars that can display bitchy messages to morons.

At 11:57 PM, Blogger Still Searching... said...

How very apropos. Indeed. Gets my vote.

At 3:05 PM, Blogger Lindsey said...

lol. Great letter. My car horn is pathetic. I'm almost embarrassed when I have to honk.

At 5:43 PM, Blogger Lara said...

I don't care about horns. i just want a decent variety of colors. Maybe it's a girl thing, but I want to know why exactly minivans need to come in 4 tones of tan and 4 tones of gray, but they can't offer even one nice, bright, NORMAL color. Look at the choices for cars, and even trucks. Who was it that decided that minivan drivers wanted to blend into the road. If our vehicles are so embarassing that we don't want them to even be seen, why do they bother making them?

At 10:13 AM, Blogger Schuyler said...

Hey linny, speaking of embarassing horns... When I was in college, some friends and I did a road trip from Blacksburg, VA to Indinapolis. When we crossed the Ohio River, one of the guys in the car said "You gotta blow the horn. We always do that when we cross here." (What can I say? He was a freshman...) So we get to the mid-point of the bridge and we're all screaming and yelling and I blow the horn. "Hey, you didn't blow the horn!!" "yes I did." "We didn't hear it!!" "Well, it's kinda quiet. Listen to the static in the radio when I press down." Sure enough. Due to a really bad eletrical system in my car at the time, whenever you pressed down on the horn, the radio would emit a burst of static.

At 12:42 PM, Blogger Buffalo said...

I think anyone beeping a horn other than in case of a dire emergency should have it stuck up their ass sideways.

At 12:47 PM, Blogger Her Daddy's Eyes said...

There's an epidemic around here...people who install horns that sound much like a train is creeping up your seems to be quite useful. However, if you're sitting outside on your back porch enjoying a cuppa and someone lays on it, you're bound to spill your coffee in your lap.
I love the button idea. I would get much use out of it. But you forgot button 6...GET OFF YOUR BLOODY CELLPHONE AND DRIVE!

At 2:00 PM, Blogger Alice said...

i agree with kermit.. as long as diff horn sounds doesn't morph into "horn ringtones" i'm in. i often wish i had that "polite beep" when you just need to say "hey guy, wake up" instead of "f*&^% off you (&&^$&*#"

At 2:29 PM, Blogger Annalis said...

I love it.

At 8:22 AM, Blogger 30Something said...

WTF button.. oh yea.. you rock man!

At 1:52 PM, Blogger introspectre said...

I would like to add

Button 6- the non rude small beep for "I'm in your driveway and too goddamn lazy to walk to the door so I'll just honk out here and drive your neighbors fucking insane."


Button 7- the horn music from the General Lee (Dukes of Hazzard) for those times, you know, you're just feeling frisky and wanna jump a cop car or something.

At 9:03 PM, Blogger Chrissie said...

I want a new horn... i just dont think an Aooo Ga or LaBamba is the way to go either... But my PT's horn is kinda dorky


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