July 31, 2005

I'm Hit

I created this awhile back for someone in my office who was having a really bad day. It broke the mood and I could hear them laughing all the way down the hall. Feel free to send it to your friends in need. :-)

July 30, 2005

A few changes

So, if you are a regular guest to view my mental drippings you are probably wondering if you are on the right site. Yes, I revamped the whole thing. I've added pictures to some of the posts to help you 'see' better. If you don't like it, you might prefer to visit here.

I'd also like to note that if you read something here that you find offensive, motivational, cool, or something that you must comment on, please do. Yes you have to register, but I don't know anyone that's gotten spam from registering, so don't be afraid. Please post the comment here for everyone to read, don't send it to my e-mail. >:-)

July 29, 2005

I want

I want to envelop you in my arms
I want to soothe your fears
I want to warm your heart
I want to wake with you
and linger whispering in the dark
I want to push you to be more than you ever dreamed
I want to laugh with you
Play with you
I'm pretty sure I want to cry with you too

July 26, 2005

My own crystal ball

Ah, to be a clairvoyant for real. I’ve been told so many times in my life that I can see that which no one else sees. I’ve been able to identify so many things that no one sees.

I recall the day in college as an RA (Resident Assistant) that I had a girl from my floor in my room talking to me and realized she was planning on killing herself. Elizabeth. It took me a minute to recall her name. I can see her face plain as day. Thin, pale, face surrounded by long dark brown hair. Angelic. Such a serene face I saw everyday. Yet, finally it registered that this woman was going to end her life. Today. Jesus Fuck. OK, you are wrong, so confirm it. That’s what they teach. If you think someone is suicidal, you are supposed to come right out and ask them.

“Do you want to die?”
“Yes.” Point blank. You are shitting me. This is not happening. What the fuck do I do now?
“You are going to kill yourself?” The truth is that most suicidal people will tell you the truth. They don’t really want to do it, they want to live. In many cases there are signs if you know what to look for.
“Yes,” she says. She just looks at me like she just admitted it was warm in the room.
Deep breath. “Do you have a plan?”
“Yes, I have a few hundred pills.” They weren’t bullshit either. I don’t recall now what they were, I recall sucking in my breath. This is real. She really could do it.
I talked to her for about two hours about her problems and alternatives to solve them. Getting nowhere, I told her. “I have to call someone who can help. Will you talk to them? Please?” She agreed to let me call.
So I called the campus health clinic. I got a receptionist. “I need to talk to Dr. T, now.”
“I’m sorry, she is with a patient/client right now. Can I take a message?”
Jesus Christ lady, no. Not No. Fuck NO!
I said, “Um, no. My name is ______ ______ I’m an RA in X Dorm. I have a student in my room that is planning to kill herself. I need to talk to Dr. T. now.”
30 seconds later the Dr. was on the line. She knew me from RA training where I had brought this very scenario up as a fear of mine. “Tell me what is happening…”
I relayed the story to her very calmly including the name and quantity of pills that Elizabeth had and her plan to take them.
“Will she talk to me?” Dr. T asked.
I pleaded with Elizabeth to take the phone and talk to someone that could help her.
It’s amazing the things we tell ourselves in a crisis. How we can carry on two conversations at once, one in the real world and one with ourselves. Please fucking take the phone and don’t do this. Outwardly, I was calm as a a windless pond. To make a long story short, Elizabeth took the phone. She left my room to go see Dr. T. From there, it was out of my hands. Weeks passed. I saw E in the halls, I talked to her. I tried not to pry. Then one night during an RA meeting in the Residence Hall Director’s home (in our building) the phone rang while the RHD was out solving a problem. The RA that answered the phone handed it to me.

“Since the RHD isn’t there, and you brought the situation to our attention, I have to tell you that I think Elizabeth is going to try to take her life tonight.”

I’m 21 years old and a trained professional just put a life in my hands. Oh. My. God. “Can you see if you can find her? Urge her to call me. Blah, blah, blah…” I look up and I have16 people in the room staring at me. My face must have gone pale white. When I hung up the phone they all yammered at once. Eyes closed I just raised a hand for silence. I pointed at my two co-RAs… come with me. “Tell the RHD to come upstairs immediately.” I sent one after the RHD and told the other what was happening. We went to Elizabeth’s room to intercede if we weren’t too late.

We never found E that night. She didn’t kill herself, and I eventually lost track of her. The situation catapulted me into a severe depression I couldn’t shake. I skipped all my classes for weeks. I ceased to function in my job as an RA completely. My girlfriend broke up with me. Early the next semester, another student was determined to be suicidal one Friday night. The RA’s on his floor came to get me. “Because you’ll know what to do.” I talked him down too (so to speak). I quit my job three weeks later. I wrote the semester off. I dropped whatever classes I was now failing and begged the other professors to just pass me.

The vision doesn’t always work. I dream that one day I’ll be able to turn that vision upon my own life and find whatever it is that we look for to give meaning to our lives. In the meantime, I’m still on an incredible adventure called life. Whatever is thrown my way, I have to look at it as a thing to experience and revel in. To think different would mean I have surrendered. I’d be an Elizabeth; a person that gave up on herself and the people around her.

I have no idea why I just spent the time to write that story down... maybe it was just time to say goodbye to it. A story that just needed to go away. If you know someone you suspect may be suffering from severe depression or suicidal (or even if you don't) I urge you to read about how you can help them at the following web sites. Suicide Info and Prevent Suicide

July 19, 2005

Fear of Failure

So many things in our lives revolve around this one concept. Or is it a paradigm? I’m not sure. It’s funny for me not to be sure of something. I spend most of my time reassuring people that I’m right. That the answers I give are the best solution that is available at the moment. How true is that I wonder?

Expectations are an interesting thing. We build in our minds these great models of how things should be. An interesting thing I read once: You can plan all you want, but when you go into battle, all your planning becomes irrelevant. I’m not saying it’s battle, but the idea behind that statement is sound logic. Life rarely gives you your expectation. But isn’t that what makes it so stunningly wonderful? Those valleys and dips that mark our time are what make the peaks so perfect. You couldn’t chisel those if you tried for a thousand years.

The reality is that we form our own worlds to meet our expectations. If we fear and cringe, things happen that cause us to believe we were right. If we meet the world and it’s tangents head on, then we often find vivid successes we could only have thought happen to others. Our own imaginations are not strong enough to provide that powerful vision of spectacular results. Or are they? How far can you see?

When you can reach out beyond your world and make someone smile how successful is that? You can’t quantify having made someone’s day. Hearing the words, “I’m better now that you’ve called.” I couldn’t set them to music if I tried. They have their own music that transcends any note produced by an instrument. Uplifting, powerful, energetic and beyond my imagination, a surprise that is certainly worthy of the title ‘Spectacular’.

Reach out and touch someone with your words today. You never know what kind of impact you’ll really have. It’s an itch you can scratch every day. Make someone feel good for no reason other than you care.

July 16, 2005

Random thoughts

Minds collide like ocean waves
Roaring into the beach on their journey
Graceful, dangerous, addictive
Entranced by the sensual curves
The wave recedes from the beach
Leaving behind fresh clean sand
A new canvas for our mingling footprints

July 13, 2005

Deafening me

In the wilted silence
I whisper the words
That made us smile
Beyond comprehension
The echo reverberates
Bouncing off my mind
Was it only imagination
Did I say goodbye?

July 09, 2005

Interview me

Have no idea where this started and don't really care...

Here's how it works:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Herre are Angelika's questions for me...

1.What is the best present you have ever received?

A friend of mine in college made me an exact duplicate of Jim Morrison's bead necklace. I'm not a huge Doors fan, but if my house was burning down, this is one thing that I would make certain made it to safety.

2.What is your dream job? Is it what you are doing now?

My dream job is being a portrait photographer for Rolling Stone. I have a strange knack for shooting portraits of people that show the real person. They are also often 'the only picture of me I ever liked' according to those I've shot. I don't know the technical part of photography, but I know I can capture the essence of a person. I'm not doing that job now, but I don't need to. I can take portraits of my friends and make them smile. That's worth more than shooting celebs anytime.

3.What is your greatest fear?

That I'm mediocre. 'Nuff said.

4.What have you done today to make the world a better place?

I kept myself in it. No, I'm not being conceited... that was my initial reaction, and something tells me that it's the right answer.

5.What is your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?

Invite someone over for a finger food dinner and a great bottle of wine to go with our conversation.

July 08, 2005

Rain, Rain come another day

The rapture in my mind crushing everything around me
I seek I feel I rage within the confines of unseen boundaries
The burden lifted finally off my soul
I float within the realm of fantasy
My soul stirred as it goes ‘round the merry go round
Like a martini at cocktail hour
From glass to lips the smiles shine alight
Warmth fills my center and moves to fire on my skin
So right, so right, my mind screams in the silence
The darkness nether so dark as just before dawn
And with the light comes brightness in my eyes