July 29, 2007

don't wanna

I should be out riding my bike. Instead, I'm avoiding it. I don't wanna hurt today. I don't wanna push myself. I don't wanna. Period.

What I want and what I need are two different things. On Thursday, my training partner quit on a ride. She had a mechanical, then a mental breakdown and decided she was done for the day. It was demoralizing for me. I threw in the towel at the same time because I didn't want to ride alone. This is the first time I've ever seen her quit. It's also, the first time I've ever given up.

Oh, I justified it in my mind. (I've ridden for an hour, it was good training, you want to be strong on Sat.) Off I went to get dinner. Seething none-the-less. Then I was sick yesterday and didn't ride at all. Now, I'm niggling about the weather, about how I feel, about everything. It's too much effort to dig out my riding gear and put the crap on, take my bike outside and get on it.

I do this knowing I would feel better after 10 minutes in the saddle. That I would feel free. The wind blowing in my ears, the steady whir of the chain as the pedals rotate around. The swoosh of the smooth tires on the asphalt. An aerodynamic bullet against the wind. Blood coursing through my veins and arteries - pushed by the very heart that is keeping me from riding.


At 12:53 PM, Blogger Buffalo said...

Seems to me there is a time to embrace feeling off. Methinks it is a natural part of the human experience.

At 3:35 PM, Blogger Still Searching... said...

Nothing wrong with letting yourself have some down time every now and then.

Nothing at all.

And yes, I do know the feeling.

At 5:57 PM, Blogger bike&beer said...

hey, you said it... you know you'd feel exhilarated once you started riding but still it is hard to get moving. i feel your pain, my friend. i am going through much of the same myself. should be riding, don't want to, should i? etc. 2 weeks till montreal to maine, all 450 miles of it, and on top of it my knee just won't cooperate. darn it. sorry i never called to ride with you -- now you know why. good luck next weekend!

At 5:08 PM, Blogger Maggi-nifica said...

sometimes, that is moment of "fuck it" there is that little handle you can grab to keep you going.

Being out there on the bike by yourself can suck, trust me. but the metal you're made of, i think next time, you'll grab hold.


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