Moooo

finally slept for the majority of an international flight. Well, I wouldn't necessarily call it sleeping, but for me it passed as sleep and several hours passed that I wasn't looking at a watch wondering if I could miracle my ass to the destination of my choice. You see, I really hate flying. It's not the act of flying, it's not fear, it's sheer boredom. I'm bored out of my skull on a plane. Flying boxcars with human cattle. Moooo muther fucker.

I had this vision while I was on the plane of these cool flights that were flying clubs. Get some music and entertainment going. Select your cabin based on music and environment preferences. Move freely about the cabin instead of being sequestered in your seat. I love the airlines temerity to warn me about DMT and then tell me I can't get out of my seat because we might encounter situational air anomalies. TURBULENCE you Jackass. Call it what it is. Don't try to sugar coat it. Don't try to make it sound better. Tell me what the real problem is then let me know the solution.

My favorite of the new air rules is the words. "If it has an on/off switch, please use it now." I promptly turn on my iPod and tune the fuck out. Of course, this is exactly what they don't want. It's not that the monster electronics inside the iPod shuffle (or any number of other small media devices) will crash the plane, but rather that they will cease to have CONTROL of you as a bit of cattle. Moo for us again please.

I'm going to have to look into FAA regulations and Just WHO gave them the authority to make regulations that cover how I can sit in my seat. What I will listen to (or not) while I'm sitting there, etc... Tell you what, you want me to pay attention. Make that seat cushion a little more plush so my ass doesn't go numb 45 minutes into the flight. I have to admit that I use the airline blankets and additional seat cushion, so think about that the next time you pull that little blanket up to your face. The previous occupant might have been me and my ass.

Now, I'd like to end this post, but I don't really want you leaving with your last vision being my ass on the blanket of your next flight. Sooo... Let's talk about beer. Why does it cost us $5 to get any kind of drink on a plane? Why can't I provide my own (other than the fact that I can't bring more than 3.6 oz of a fluid on a plane)? But in reality, that's almost 4 drinks. More than enough to get someone comfortable on a 1 hour flight.