Solitary

I was told today by a friend/peer that I'm looked up to by everyone in our particular group. Um, why? I can't get a grip on my own life and people want to look up to me? I know there is a fine line between perception and reality, but this is drawing a little to the close side. Which side, I don't know. I wasn't the author of the strange little sentence. "You're like the guy everyone [here] looks up to." Spank me and call me Willy... or something. I have no idea what that means. That is one of those statements you aren't allowed to ask more probing questions about either. There have been times in my life where I've been told that I inspired someone... I was going to say that inspiring people and having them look up to you is different, but I don't think it is. A leader is someone that people follow willingly. A leader inspires by example.

Perhaps the statement above is validation that I've accomplished something in my life that is worthwhile. Does that make me worthwhile? Do I influence people around me in a positive manner? People struggle throughout their lives to find their place. I've found many places. When I left Germany after two difficult years, my boss took me aside. "Munkey, I just wanted to tell you that I've seen a lot of people play the game here. I've never seen anyone play it as hard as you did. You walked the absolute line and somehow walked away unscathed." I just looked at him and blinked. I never played a game. I did what I thought was right. I did my best to work to the limits of my ability. I strove to go further, and higher than I ever dared in my life. Is that winning? Walking away unscathed in his eyes, yet permanently scarred in my own. Who was right that day? I wonder if I'll ever know.

I've spent time in my life in deep self pity. More often, I've found myself exercising self-loathing. I see glimmers of the kind of person I could be if I could find that little motivation to go further, farther, faster, kinder, more gently. My tactic most of my life was to slam through all the barriers placed in front of me. Subtlety was and has been lost on me for a long time. This doesn't mean I'm not sensitive, rather, just the opposite. I see things that most people never will. I sense the reality inside other people's facade's. I often wonder why people don't see past my own. Is the wall really that strong? That opaque? So unforgiving and impenetrable? Do they give up or do they lack the capacity to see past the smile and the kind word or the other other side, the enigmatic look, the brooding evaluations.