December 21, 2005

Holiday party etiquette

Dear party goer:

Since you seem to be so lost on party etiquette, I've typed a few rules that will make you (and everyone you socialize with) have a better party experience.

1. Eat as soon as you get to the party. This will aid you in the holding of a beverage later when you are shaking hands with people you haven't met and you aren't trying to juggle a plate, a glass, talking and shaking hands all at the same time.
2. Wipe your fingers after you eat hor devours, other guests don't want your greasy fingers on them.
3. Don't stand in front of the food table and socialize with Bob from accounting. I realize it's natural to congregate in close proximity to each other, but you are making it difficult for the rest of the guests to get to the food.
4. Don't stand in front of the bar. We realize you are a lush and need instant access to more alcohol, but we'd like to get our drinks too. Trying maneuver around your fat ass sucks.
5. Caviar is a garnish, not a main dish (unless there is a big bowl of it).
6. Overcome the urge to talk with food in your mouth. There is a reason naval cadets are only allowed 7 chews before they swallow. Practice this if you must. In other words, Say it, don't Spray it.
7. Open bar does not mean drink all you can. It means you don't pay for your drinks. Don't be the guy/girl everyone is laughing about the next day.
8. Don't be the last one at the party. You know the one that never seems to get the hint that it's over and NEVER leaves.
9. Do not talk business. This is a holiday party. I don't give a shit about the project we have spent all week/month working on. I'm trying to have a good time, you can help with that by talking about anything besides work.
10. This has got to be the biggest rule and I saved it for last for a reason. Do NOT hit on a co-worker you wouldn't hit on sober (refer to rule 7 if you find you are no longer sober) nor, should you leer or slobber over a co-worker's husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. You will get caught at it and you can't say I'm sorry.


At 5:18 PM, Blogger Sexy Suburbanite said...

I love #9. It is soooo true. The same goes for lunch. People at work wonder why I never go to lunch with them anymore -- It's because they spend the whole hour blabbing about computer programming, code samples, defects, etc. Be social people! Surely you can think of other mindless chit chat to pass the time =)

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Her Daddy's Eyes said...

Well said! THIS is why I do NOT go to work related holiday parties! I'd rather stay home and snuggle, or something. ;)


At 10:46 PM, Blogger ME said...

Thank God somebody understands.

At 9:23 AM, Blogger 30Something said...

LOL, some well needed advice!

At 9:35 AM, Blogger Lara said...

Hehe great list. I hope you didn't make it due to personal experience. ;)

At 11:14 AM, Blogger Audrey said...

this is fantastic stuff. I'm printing it out and posting it in the office kitchen just for laughs.

At 2:17 PM, Blogger JayneSays said...

Excellent list! Isn't it kinda sad that so many people don't just KNOW these things without having to be told? Sigh.


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