October 15, 2005

Dear weary traveler...

We are sorry to inform you that your bid was not accepted due to the fact that each of our partner airlines are doing their very best to stick it to each and every one of our customers. They feel that you should have realized you wished to pursue holiday travel at least (AT LEAST) 6 months ago. Your failure to be pre-cognizant of upcoming travel opportunities makes us delirious with laughter to the point that our stomachs hurt. As you might notice, airlines have more than quadrupled airfare during the times and dates you wish to travel to see friends, loved ones (even Aunt Martha - yes, the one that smells.) We have done this to ensure that your ass stays safely in that nice plushy recliner all your friends love to sit in when they visit, but wouldn't put in their own home if you paid them.

Now, all that said, you are more than welcome to consider one of our selected high ass fares that match your desired itinerary for travel below. We just wanted to let you know that the cheap ass airlines no longer serve food on the plane. Feel free to bring your own overpriced airport food on board and eat it at room temperature several hours into the flight (if you get sick due to improper food storage, we really don't give a shit - we recommend Cinnabon which requires no further refrigeration or heating to eat (and incidentally, we own stock in it, so help a brother out)). We also must make you aware that the inflight snack has dwindled to generic pretzels in shapes you'd never see in a store. We swear these were not obtained at reduced cost (at least to us) in or near Chernobyl. Depending on which partner airline you end up with (not that we care) you may receive a whole can of soda midway through the flight or a small cup filled with ice and a few ounces of the precious liquid you so crave to moisten your throat.

In lieu of the above, we hope you have a pleasant stay at home alone this holiday season. Please consider booking flights with us now for the 2006 Holiday Season. We think we have a few seats in the tail of an old propeller driven aircraft. The craft may have at one time been used in China or other third world countries to ferry everything from smelly nerf herders to loose chickens. Beware any stains on the seats. As always, it is our pleasure to serve you (yeah, right). Sincerely Cheap Ass Travel Staff.


At 2:53 AM, Blogger 30Something said...

LOL...Oh how true once again! LOL

At 2:22 PM, Blogger introspectre said...

Smelly nerf herders?!?

Like, Han or the band?

I must know.

Also, are the chickens loose as in free range or prone to sluttiness?

Thank you,

arm chair occupant

ps) sorry, yes, wedding is creeping up......!

At 8:21 PM, Blogger Sexy Suburbanite said...

Okay, I know that airline food totally sucks but I still can't believe that they did away with it! Now your only choice is to purchase hard bagels for $10 and crap like that. So, I always starve or bring sad little snacks onboard. Damn I hate flying!

I totally understand what you are going through. Plus, the current cost of gas is really pushing those fares up too. And then, when boarding the plane, you walk past the first class passengers and it is all so cruel. I could go on and on, but I loved the post. Too true. Too sad.

At 9:14 PM, Blogger Parker said...

I laughed until I cried...

Sorry you won't be traveling -- maybe driving won't be so bad...

I'll pay for the wine.


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