January 16, 2009

My little secret

I just visited Post Secret after a long hiatus. I thought of a little secret I'm actually willing to share. Don't worry, it's not going to shake the ground you walk on or make your eyes burn with tears that won't fall or even give you a tiny ache in your throat. When I started this blog I was traveling a lot and recorded many amazing adventures about where I had been. During that time, I coined a phrase for myself, "I never want to look back and say, 'I wish I had...'". The simple truth is that I was afraid I would never get to the point of being old enough to look back on my life and say, " I wish I had..."

Now, I wish I could share all the memories I've had. Not just in the last few years, but my life. One of my old roommates asked me to write a book about my life. "I think it would be very interesting," he said. I have moments of perfect clarity sometimes. Windows into what used to be. Places "Where I have been."

The cold night that the guys in my brothers Boy Scout troop took me 'Snipe' hunting and I promptly ditched them and went back to my sleeping bag, My silent snickers at how dumb they were to think I'd believe that there was such a thing as a Snipe. Thinking about the dead deer I'd discovered earlier in the day and wondering how it had died. I paused for a long time on that one. Something about the woods makes the world seem just that much larger.

The beaten earth on the floors of the long unused barn at summer camp. Wandering through and smelling the summer dust mixed with straw bits and forgotten leather cooked over decades of neglect. Beams of dust clouded sunlight through the milky dirty windows that were still left in the weathered frames. The mewing of the kitten that had lost it's group. Watching as it explored the shadows while in the distance I could hear the laughter and cries of the other kids at the camp engaged in the scheduled activities.

See, it's not a fear of not being able to enjoy a memory, but the fear that I won't have enough time to share Where I've been. I've been here, I've been there, I've not been everywhere. Even as broad as my mind is, I can't imagine seeing it all. And if you did, who would you share it with? Really. Think about it for a minute. Are you sharing? Shame shame on you.


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